for your VINformation

Herding nerds as hard as cats…

Customer: “Can I get tickets to that Hugh Jackman play?”

Agent: “A Steady Rain was a limited run, it closed in December.”

Customer: “I’m a little behind aren’t I?”

Agent: “Nothing wrong with that, better a little behind than big ass.”

Clubs swing, balls fly. Eighteen holes?

Customer: “I need to know if there are tickets available to Avenue Q?”

Agent: (After Checking) “There are. With the service, handling charges and taxes they’re $109.00 per ticket.”

Customer: (To other customer) “$109’s not bad but I’d rather pay less.” (To Agent) “Do they do rush tickets?”

Agent: “Each theatre handles rush differently. You’d have to go to the box office to find out.”

Customer: “Can I call and ask?”

Agent: “Box offices have unlisted numbers.”

Customer: “Surely you can contact them.”

Agent: “Yes, yes I can.”

Customer: “Can’t you call them for me?”

Agent: “Purchasing tickets here, you’re paying a service charge because we do all the leg-work for you. If you’re looking to get a cheaper ticket by not using my services and therefore not paying a service charge, you’ve got to do the leg-work yourself.”

Customer: “Well, that’s certainly simply put and fair… we’ll take two tickets to Avenue Q.”

Balls to face – painful, go figure

• Worked for Jews – learned about sushi.

• Lights, off. Doors, pad-locked.  Job? Gone!

Job Title: Referee

Company: New York City Social Sports League

Duration 6 Seasons – Approx. two years

• As one of the original players in the league, I began reffing after I left my job at DC Comics – it was a great way to get a little money off-the books to help supplement my unemployment checks.
• Responsible for taping the courts before match play began and cleaning the space at the end of the evening.
• I had to follow six balls at any given time, flying through the air in different directions, making sure the folks who got out, got out – you be surprised how many people try to cheat during a dodgeball beer league…
• Job helped me develop an even thicker skin. People hate the ref!

• Sold Americana to the American housewife.

Customer: “Look, I don’t want to wait outside in that line, I want a single ticket for the Wicked. What do I do?”

Agent: “I can get you a single, no problem – it’ll be $159.00 – the $159.00 is inclusive of the box-office price, service and handling fees and all taxes, both city and state as we are a ticket reseller and besides, after six years as the highest grossing Broadway show, without the benefit of a Best Musical Tony, yet, I doubt today’ll be the day Wicked goes up at TKTS. TKTS has only a select group of shows on any given day and Wicked being the top grossing show on Broadway, it really doesn’t need to seel it’s tickets at half-price.”

Customer: ” Oh, a friend, who lives here, told me that everything is at TKTS and I shouldn’t get my ticket in advance because I could get it cheaper the on day of.”

Agent: “When you see to your friend, tell ‘em, ‘thanks for nothing!’”

The following took place on a Sunday afternoon…

Customer: “Which shows play on Sunday night?”

Agent: “Chicago, Mamma Mia, Rock of Ages, In the Heights, Next To Normal at 7:00 pm and Lion King and Mary Poppins at 6:30 and I can also do Avenue Q, off Broadway, at 7:30.”

Customer: “What’s Next To Normal?

Agent: “In one line, it’s about a woman suffering from bi-polar disorder brought on by the death of her infant child. It’s difficult subject matter but brilliant theatre. You’ll leave exhausted but exhilarated.”

Customer: “No. In The Heights?”

Agent: “It’s about Latino life in Washington Heights, NYC. A great, high energy show, but if you’re looking for a “classic Broadway experience” you may not appreciate it.”

Customer: “Rock of Ages?”

Agent: “It’s about a young guy trying to be a rock star in LA, using all the great rock songs from the ’80’s, Journey, Rush, Styx…”

Customer: “I’m bringing a 78 year old nun…”

Agent:  “Oh then your only choice is, Mary Poppins.”

Customer: “Not Mamma Mia?”

Agent: “Are we talking a seventy-eight year old Catholic nun?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Agent: “Mamma Mia is about a girl about to get married searching for her birth father between the three men her mother slept with all around the same time. Children out of wedlock, loose women with loose morals… is she a hippie nun with an open mind? I don’t want her to put you on the fast-track to hell.”

Customer: “Mary Poppins it is!”

I’m starting a new job today.

It’s an “acting” job. Well, not so much an acting job, but a job that uses my acting skills – I know, all my jobs use my acting skills, I ACT like I wanna be there – but this one lets me create a character.

I will be working a pilot mediation training program.

I’ll be role-playing with other actors, acting out scenarios created by the mediator-trainer to help the mediation-trainees get “real-world” skills.

Just a way to make extra money – every little bit helps, right?

• Called my own account – left message…

Disclaimer: this DID NOT happen – outside of my head:

Customer: “I have a question for you, I’m not going to buy anything wah… Wah wah wahh, wahh TKTS wah wahh.  Wahh wah wah. What do you think?”

Agent: “I’m sorry, as soon as you said ‘not buying’ you turned into an adult from the old Peanuts cartoons and I stop listening… in fact, I starting humming the overture from MAME in my head to drown you out.”

Job: Golf Caddy

Employer: Bonnie Briar Country Club

Duration: two summers

• Carrying one or two golf bags for uppity, pretentious, rich folk.
• I was not a good caddy.
• Working at BBCC proved to me I was not made for manual labor…
• By the end of the first summer I was only assigned  “ladies bags” and “Putters”  – Putters is the worst, the caddy is forced to follow around a golf-cart full of drunken assholes and be responsible to keeping your eyes on their balls.
• My father was the Asst. Greens-keeper so they had to keep me, otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t've been hired back for a second summer.