for your VINformation

So, if I’d been invited back, I’d be in the thick of all things Santa right about now.

I took being Santa quite seriously – it was only after days of mulling it over that I decided to even take the job – the responsible for the making or breaking of a major holiday is a great one.

The first year I put on the beard, was magical. The second year, less so.

Santaland is a tool, a tool to get shoppers in the store. While it’s free to meet with Santa, the point is to sell the picture. The visitors are not required to buy the picture, but the employees are required to take a picture – 9 times out if 10 the picture will be purchased…

We know that.

We know why we’re there, but to have that fact tossed in your face every chance possible brought the magic quotient down, by more then a few notches.

I took it personally when reminded Santa wasn’t important to the success of the season; how many photo packages sold, were. Whoever has the shortest visit wins!

I wanted nothing more then a repeat of the previous season; the fun, the camaraderie, the kids, the believing but for me, it wasn’t going to happen.

I decided on Christmas Eve of last year, if asked, I wouldn’t come back in 2008.

Since I wasn’t asked back, the point is moot, but I wonder, if I really would’ve said no…the sting of not getting the invitation hurt, and took all control of the situation out of my hands and firmly into the hands of those folks responsible for the reasons I didn’t want to go back in the first place so I have to believe I’d've stuck to my guns.

The memories I’ll treasure forever, the experiences never forgotten; it’s funny, when you look back, you never remember the bad moments anyway, right?

Perhaps in another five years or so, I’ll reapply; for now, however, there are new things to do, new memories to create and that can’t happen with me sitting here!

No.

There’ll be no Santa-Vinnie this year.

I wasn’t planning to doing it this year ’cause I wanted to focus on the career and while it does get slow around the holidays, I was hoping to book something…hopefully out of town…

Last year, I’d said yes so very quickly – stopped everything for three months; no auditions, no submissions, as to not have a conflict with Santaland – and It caused me to lose all the momentum 5 Takes had helped build-up; this year, I just didn’t want to do that, I wanted to stay focused.

Also, last year I didn’t have as much fun as I did the year before, in fact I quit twice, only to be talked out of it. I didn’t like the way management was treating Santa – they sucked a lot of the joy out of the dressing room and in turn, out of me. I didn’t like the new thinking in Santaland, and the fact that I was one of the only people willing to speak-up about it…

I didn’t want to get sick this Christmas.

I didn’t use the Macy’s discount last year – so I wouldn’t miss it this year if I didn’t have it.

All these thoughts and more were swirling through my head as the season was getting closer and closer – how would I let them know? What would I say when the time came?

Turns out the point was moot – I didn’t get invited back anyway!

Fuck ‘em, I’m writing the book!

I created a photo website with all my pictures from the past two years of Santaland.

For those of you following the Santa & posts and are wondering just who the heck were all those people on Santa’s lap, at the Santaland Picture site, I name names!

Christmas Eve was a little Santa-heavy and I had nothing to do for most of the morning – in fact, I wasn’t scheduled to sit until 1:30.

After an hour of just sitting in the dressing room, I jumped up and went to the costume locker.

"I’m bored, make me an Elf."

"OK. Do you have a shirt preference?"

"Give me the ugly one."

Red pants, postage stamp smock, black pleather boot spats and velvet hat on, Bundles bundles to the Elf office for an assignment.

"Bundles, reporting for duty!"

"What are you doing?"

"I need to spread joy, send me somewhere for hour."

"Peek Exit. Send back Jingles."

That was easier than expected. There is an elf shortage after all.

The looks on the elves faces were priceless. It took everyone who saw me a moment to figure out it was me.

"Right this was to peek at Santa. Merry Christmas!"

"Right this was to peek at Santa. Merry Christmas!"

"Right this was to peek at Santa. Merry Christmas!"

"It’s just a peek not a visit, exit this way please. Merry Christmas!"

"Right this was to peek at Santa. Merry Christmas!"

It was a wee bit repetitive, but fun. The elves think Peek Exit is one of the worst jobs at Santaland, but to them I say – "Then you’re not doin’ it right." Almost everyone who came through was smiling and happy and wanted a picture with Bundles, and he happily complied – it was the perfect opportunity to be a little goofy, ’cause Santa is anything but…

It was as if 1998 and I had the whole world in front of me – if only I knew then what I know now.

Santa: "And what do you want for Christmas?"

Boy: "A reindeer."

Santa: "A stuffed reindeer?"

Boy: "No! A real one."

Santa: "Is your room big enough for a reindeer? They get very big you know."

Boy: "Yes, we’re rich, I have a big room."

Santa: "Well then, what about the poop? Reindeer poop a lot! Are you willing to keep everything clean?"

Boy: "We have people for that."

Santa: "What would like for Christmas?"

9 year old boy: "Nothing, I’d rather like it if you could help make the world a better place by continuing to spread love."

_______________

Grandmother: "Smile Jordan. Smile. SMILE! He won’t smile."

Santa: "Maybe…if you…stopped yelling at him?"

_______________

Child: "I want a transformer."

Santa: "They’re more then meet the eye, you know."

_______________

Girl: "Are you the real Santa?"

Santa: "Of course I am, everyone know the real Santa comes to Macy’s."

Girl: "Then why do I see netting on you face?"

Santa: "Well, that is a magic netting I put on my beard so all the cold germs fall off, no one wants a Santa with a head-cold on Christmas Eve."

_______________

Mother taking Pictures: "Santa, Santa, look over here. Adonis, look over here. Here, look here. Did you tell Santa what you want?"

Santa: "He hasn’t a chance yet, as soon as you’re done snapping away we’ll start the visit, Santa doesn’t want to interrupt…"

_______________

Chuck:

It was a lot of fun visiting you in Santaland. I hope to make it back again before it’s all over.

Mark:

Amy and I had the best time yesterday. We both remarked on the way to Macy’s that we had gotten ourselves really worked up over seeing Santa. Can I say that going into that little house has elevated the level of respect that I have for you as an Actor. I felt the amount of HEAT that suit was generating and having to stay in character. Holy crap,
man. You got some chops.

I really had the best time!
Thanks Man.

Aaron:

Thanks so much for last night. You looked and sounded great! I honestly thought that they had taken us to the wrong Santa at first!! Oh, and Alex said that you smelled Santariffic!!

I’m sorry that Sebastian wasn’t able to keep a conversation with you. According to Alex he was falling asleep on the bus on the way down to Macy’s (I met them, there), so he was very, very tired. But he loved it and was sooooo happy!! As soon as we were out of the room he was asking when he could come back and see Santa again.

Eric:

Hey Vinnie Claus!

Thanks so much for the unforgettable time at Macy’s. It was great seeing Madison stunned speechless. You make an awesome Santa.

Joanna:

Just wanted to say thank you for getting my friend Jennifer and me and the 2 Henrys into see you. The VIP treatment was awesome. You looked amazing and I’m so thrilled that my Henry didn’t scream or cry and was truly fascinated by you. You are a very adorable Santa.

Hope to see you again soon outside of the North pole.

Happy holidays and thanks again.

Kevin:

So good to see you today. The kids were soooo excited by our visit. You make
a great Santa: Fun, kind, jolly and loving. It was very special.

Have a Merry Christmas and thank you again.

We’ve got to get the word out there kids.

Soccer Mom, that’s so last year. Mom’s are now, Mamarazzi!

From Brand Noise:

In this world of planning, sometimes you come across things like words that take on a life of their own within your vocabulary. “Mamarazzi,” for instance. My husband thinks the term is mine, but now with Christmas eve less than a week away, it’s time for me to come clean. So, for the record, the first time I ever heard “mamarazzi” was during this year’s visit with Santa at Macy’s. (He’s already beat me to the blog on it.) But c’mon, can you think of a more descriptive term? “Mamarazzi” is way more timely than “Soccer Moms.”

The revolution has started!

There aren’t many unpleasant moments being Santa, but there are a few inconveniences:

Smells:

• Bad Breath – Is it so hard to pop in a mint or a piece of gum before you sit on the lap? There is a certain age group, that just don’t know proper dental hygiene so you can’t blame them, but are you telling me no adult in the family can smell it?
• Body Odor – You wait in line two hours, and don’t take your coat off, you think you smell like a rose? You don’t.
• Poopy Diapers – You don’t smell that?

Sights:

• Dry Skin – All children are beautiful to Santa, but some could really use moisturizer.
• Chapped Lips – See Above.
• Snotty Noses – It’s snot. Wipe it off before the picture is taken and for cryin’ out loud, use a tissue, not Santa’s glove.

Misc:

• Baby Throwing – Let’s think about this one for a moment, shall we. If your baby is skittish about meeting Santa to begin with, is picking him up and throwing him at a giant, hairy, fat, beast really the smartest thing to do? The first time I saw that giant Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, I was so scared I cried for days – and I went when I was 24 – a mouse should not be that big.
• Spirit Gum – That first application in the morning, it’s as if you voluntarily squeeze lemon juice in a paper cut. Taking it off, is no walk in the park either.
• Transgendered Children – Little boys that look like little girls and vice versa. Santa is sorry he couldn’t make out the gender of the little long haired angel faced child in the non-descriptive outfit, give me something to work with people, Pink and Blue are there for a reason. If you’re going to let your little boy have a ponytail, at the very least, please put him in a blue shirt with trucks all over it. If your little girl has a pronounced mustache, you might wanna think about bleaching – no judgment, just suggestions.
• Doughnuts – All Santa eats is sweets. Cookies, Doughnuts, Cakes and Breads. Even I’m guilty of bringing them in but at least my Chocolate Covered Banana Bread was low fat…
• Grandmothers – They should not be allowed to speak in public.

But even with these minor inconveniences, nothing beats being Santa. The joy far outweighs anything that could be considered negative about the job.

I hope to do it again, but more then that, I hope to not have to do it again. As long as they want me back, I’ll do my best to fit it into my schedule, it the best way to spend the holidays.

It has been brought to my attention – while I know all of you, other people may not you, and maybe it would be nice to know who’s who.

So, when the season is over and I’m sure no one else is going to stop by, I’ll give y’all an easy key.

A man enters with a baby loosely wrapped in a light blue blanket. he was gently rocking his son as he carefully removed his coat and scarf.

"Santa!" He says. "I’ve waited years to do this. I didn’t think I was going to make it. After the heart attack last year…but thank you for the treadmill you gave me last Christmas, I’m addicted. Another 85 pounds…"

"You’re very welcome. I think you look wonderful." Santa says.

"And then about six months ago, little Nathan came into my life."

With that, he reveled the baby’s face, slowly peeling back the blanket.

"I bet you’ve never seen a baby quite like this before."

He popped out the "baby’s" pacifier to reveal a mouth of vampire fangs, and pushed back the little blue wool cap to let the shocking red hair and two bony horns breathe before the pictures are taken.

"Oh, he’s so cute…" Chestnut starts. In a matter of seconds realizes she’s looking at a very good, very realistic, probably very expensive demon/human hybrid life-like baby doll that would’ve nicely fit in on the set of Charmed, she didn’t finish her thought, just quietly turned back to the camera.

After both pictures were taken, "He doesn’t need much Santa, maybe a few more outfits. Would you like to hold him?"

"Of course. He’s just…he’s certainly something." Santa said.

"Don’t forget to support his head…"

"Of course. Support the head."