for your VINformation

A run-down of the events that made up what I’m calling Vinnie’s Crazy Transitional Year.

January:

• Working as the Events and Retailer Services Representative for DC Comics -as of then, for a little over two years.
• Quit working as the Events and Retailer Services Representative for DC Comics.
• Stopped going to therapy, realized I wasn’t crazy, I just needed to quit being the Events and Retailer Services Representative for DC Comics and start living a creative life again.
• Told a friend, "It’s ok, I have enough in the bank to make it without a full time job until October. After that, I’ll just go be an elf at Santaland again."
• Went on an audition for the first time in over three years – the beast was reawakened.

February:

• Gathered my things and started to take a long hard look at where my life was.
• Started – tentatively – to audition again
• Health Insurance ends at the end of the month. Took care of all medical and dental visits; amassing over two thousand dollars in preventive debt. – Imagine what it would’ve been if I was uninsured?
• Applied for Unemployment Insurance. - But, you can’t get Unemployment if you quit your job.

March:

• Got Unemployment Insurance: officially a ward of the state for the next six months.
• Supplementing income by selling off my collectibles on eBay and Half.com. Pleasant side-affect; discovering the Zen of the purge.
• Booked three days of extra work on the failed Bruno Campos TV pilot The Wedding Album - officially a working actor for the year 2006.
• Joined TVI Acting Studios.
• Started taking a monologue perfection class – would finish the class with the best tragicomic monologue I’ve ever had.

April:

• Auditions and call-back galore, coming close, but not booking – it felt good to get so far so quickly after restarting the acting career.
• Joined Enguard and the Big Apple Corp Marching Band Color Guard – flag squad.
• Started my continuing Dodge ball referee gig with the New York City Social Sports League.

May:

• Met with and booked photographer, Peter Hurley for new head shots. My first in over ten years.
• Booked featured extra work on independent film, Tie a Yellow Ribbon.
• The majority of the month was filled with Color Guard practice – it is a sport after all – preparing for June’s busy marching season.
• First EnGuard performance: Central Park for the annual AIDSWalk NY.
• Started my web-site, for your VINformation.

June:

• After the completion of an online survey, picked my new head shots, got reproductions, post cards and business cards – as of this posting; I’m out of head shots, on my third batch of postcards and my second batch of business cards.
• Discovered VistaPrint for all my printing needs.
• Met with agent, Ann Wright of the Ann Wright Agency.
• March in my first ever NYC Gay Pride Parade – I don’t count that time ten years ago when I marched .
• Signed up with Actor’s Access and ShowFax.com – another great investment in my career.

July:

• Audition, book and shoot the short film, Great Balls of Fire – still don’t have a copy.
• Spend time at the nude beach.
• First time vacation on Fire Island Pines.

August:

• Cake Returns, first rehearsal and brainstorming meeting.
• Make annual pilgrimage to America’s Fair, Erie, NY
• Start taking On-Camera Audition class at TVI with Paul Michael Valley

September:

• Book small role in the independent film, The Cornstarch Gizmo.
• Book background work on Japanese television series, Manhattan Diaries.
• Unemployment runs out.
• Begin working at The Joyce Theater – currently trained for usher, lobby and concessions, soon to be bartender.
• Audition for co-host of new reality show Hung Jury.

October:

• Cake Returns! – to sold-out crowds and highest praise – Well, near sold-out crowds and I guess people liked it.
• Book, Open, Extend and Close the one-act play, Safari at TSI/Playtime.
• Book and Shoot a featured background role on ABC’s Six Degrees.
• March in my first ever Greenwich Village Halloween Parade.
• Book Hung Jury.
• Self-fulfilling prophecy, apply for an elf position at Macy’s Santaland.
• Get 3/4 page ad in Backstage East, a congratulations from TVI for booking Six Degrees.

November:

• On the first day of elf training get promoted to Santa – a freaking Macy’s Santa.
• Six Degrees airs Nov. 2, 2006 – I’ve gotten recognized three times, how cool is that?
• Audition for HSBC/Paparazzi window gig.
• Featured on NY1 for a story about the dodge ball league.

December:

• Book window gig.
• Knee deep in all things Santa.
• Get drawn into DC Comics’ American Splendor.
• Got punk’d.
• Paid rent with acting money.

It’s been quite a 2006, lets hope 2007 is even better.

Tags: Vinnie Costa, TVI, Acting, NYC Actor, Working, Santaland, Santa, Dodge ball, NYCSSC, Six Degrees, TSI/Playtime, Cake Returns, The Duplex, The Joyce

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With a slightly out of date computer, it’s been a major production to post video up on YouTube.

I’ve managed to get some up online, but I’m looking at a pile of video tapes and there doesn’t seem to be a slot big enough to stick them on my CPU.

With gift cards from my family and my Dodge ball bonus I went out and bought a Video/DVD Recorder. I’m going to transfer everything to DVD and then pass them on to friends who can make computer magic and as fast as you can say, you’ve got mail, I have the files sent to mailbox and up they’ll go.

Some of this stuff is old and, I haven’t watched them in some time. I’m a little scared.

My goal is to get this done and up by the end of January.

Of course, I would’ve had all this started if I’d remembered to buy the blank DVDs… You’d think that when someone gets to the counter with a DVD Recorder, the sales clerk would ask, "Did you remember to get blank DVDs?"

But then again, they don’t ask you if you remembered socks whenever you buy shoes.

Stay tuned.

Same Vinnie time, same Vinnie station.

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What happens when I run out of things to say?

No really, I posted so much about Santaland ’cause there was so much happening and I wanted to share it all – plus it makes a great first draft of the book – but, what happens when nothing is happening? I don’t think I’ll literally run out of things to say, I’m just afeard that if I don’t keep doing fun and exciting things y’all are gonna grow tired of my mundane musings.

Today:

I went to post office  – bought stamps to send off the Christmas Thank You cards.

I picked up my dry cleaning – my black Kenneth Cole dress pants and a dark gray blazer,.

Then I went to the local dollar store to pick up some rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide – just ’cause I didn’t have any and I thought I should, I mean, really, shouldn’t we all have some on hand, just in case?

After with, I stopped at the little grocery store to buy the two items I forgot to get yesterday while I was at the big grocery store – cat litter and bread crumbs.

I came home, put everything away and watched an episode of Judging Amy, while I got ready to head into Manhattan.

I went in a bit early to pick up my last Santa check from Macy’s, run into Midtown Comics, deposit said check at the bank, stop by Staples to pick up, what else, office supplies and then to Borders to return a few things I got for Christmas.

I timed it wrong and ended up getting to The Joyce – to usher – an hour early, so I grabbed a six inch Veggie Delight from Subway and the Daily News.

With a near sold-out crowd and a sorely understaffed crew, tonight’s performance was uneventful. Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo – one of the many dance companies I’ve been introduced to since I started working there – is a laugh riot.  My boss, the front of house manager, Jill, was cast in The Kennedy Center’s upcoming production of Carnival and will be gone for the next three months – way to go Jill!

Now I’m watching The Golden Girls on Lifetime – television for woman (and gay men) – and I’ll probably go to sleep soon after it’s over.

Oh, and I am seemingly in the last stages of the latest cold – I’ve had three this season – that, of course, just had to screw up my first three consecutive days off in the past two months.

Not everyday can be fun and exciting, I guess.

But I’m gonna try to make is as un-mundane as it can be.

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Santa: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Little Boy: "A sniper rifle."

Santa: "A toy rifle?"

Little Boy: "No, a real one. That way next year I can wait on the roof and take you down."

Santa: "No. No you can not have a sniper rifle."

Little boy: "Ma, Santa said no!"

Mother: "What did you ask for?"

Santa: "He asked for a sniper rifle."

Mother: "I told you not to ask Santa for that, I’ll get it for you."

____________________

Santa: "Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies."

Five Year Old Girl Getting Off Lap: "You’re a fraud!"

Santa: "Ok, run along now."

Five Year Old Girl Getting Off Lap Now Pointing: "Fraud!"

____________________

On weekdays Santa sees a lot of school groups.

One time at the end of a visit the teacher says, "Ok, everyone, give Santa a big hug."

My eyes opened wide and I backed up as far as I could as 23 five year olds came at me.

At one point I swear I felt one of them humping my leg.

It made me feel dirty.

____________________

Santa : "What do you want for Christmas?

Obese Boy: "I want to be thin for Christmas."

Santa: taken aback by the whispered wish and a fat kid himself "Well, that’s up to you. If you want it, you can do it. There’s no quick and easy fix, it’s hard work. Just stay strong and try not to get discouraged. But Santa thinks you look good just the way you are."

____________________

Wisconsin Housewife: "Helllllllooo Santa."

Santa: "Why, hello. Santa loves it when the tall kids visit."

Wisconsin Housewife: "My, what sexy eyes you have Santa."

Santa: "Why… thank you."

Wisconsin Housewife: sliding onto Santa’s lap, her hand on Santa’s thighs "Very sexy eyes."

Santa: "And what do you want for Chris… Oh! Oh, my.  I think you should remove your hand. Those are Mrs Claus’ Christmas balls."

____________________

Grandmother w/Camera: "Smile or Santa will bring you nothing."

Santa: "Don’t use Santa as a threat. He doesn’t like that."

Grandmother w/Camera: "Sorry, Santa."

____________________

Santa: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Twenty-five-Year-Old Woman: "I want a boyfriend."

Santa: "Well, you know, those are very messy and they’re very hard to train, you’d be happier with a stuffed cat. Santa knows best"

____________________

Santa: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Forty-Year-Old Man: "I want a Rolls Royce."

Santa: "No problem. I’ll get you one." Holding fingers open about three inches "It’ll be about this big and fit right in your stocking."

____________________

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Many children come to Santaland armed with cookies and sodas and lists galore.

Santa would walk into the dressing-room with bottles and cans of Coke with Santa on the label. He would come back from a sit with finger-paintings, elaborate scrolled wish-lists, hand-made ornaments, home-made cookies – that no one ever ate, if it wasn’t store-bought, it was tossed in the trash – and letters to Santa.

Over the course of the day, Santa could receive dozens and dozens of letters.

I didn’t.

I don’t know why, I like to think that when the children waked in and saw me, they were so over-come with my Santa-goodness that if they had a list with them they just forgot to give them to me. It’s all I have.

The month and a half I was Santa, I got 39 letters.

Thirty-nine – total – and one gift.

The Paper-Plate Angel.

I’m not complaining, mind you and I’m not taking it personally, but, come on. I get worked over 150 hours and I get 40 freaking letters – and to be honest, they weren’t very creative letters either.

Most were simply:

Dear Santa,

I want…

Not even, How are you… I’ve been a good boy… just, I want…

Admittedly, it was a little disappointing.

I guess I should have seen it coming. On my first day as Santa, this adorable little moppet of a girl came into visit carrying a stuffed Santa.

"I brought this for you Santa. It’s you!"

"Why yes it is, Santa loves this, thank you so much."

I put the stuffed Santa next to me and continued with the visit.

"Thank you Santa." She said when it was over and she gave me a hug.

When she pulled away, she had the Stuffed Santa in her little hand and she used that hand to wave good-bye.

I turned to Campy and stuttered, "Did she…, what the…, my Santa, it’s…gone. Did I do something?"

Another time a little black girl walks in holding a box of Chips Ahoy and hands them to me.

"These are for you." she said handing me the cookies, hopping up on my lap.

Right after the picture, just before the Santa had the chance to ask what she wanted for Christmas, she reached over, grabbed the box of cookies, opened them and went to town. She didn’t even offer Santa one – not that he would’ve had one after she reached into the box with the same fingers that were just up her nose.

When we got to the second picture, she’d eaten about four, spraying crumbs all over my beard asking for Bratz and Barbie. She didn’t even offer me one when she jumped off my lap to grab the puzzle from Pine-Cone.

She left with the cookies.

Here’s a sampling of the letters I got.

I kinda want Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Women!

I know it’s the wrong holiday and all, but I didn’t get very many works of art, the funny thing about this one, on the back the kid wrote "I love you Santa" and drew a jack-o-lantern and a ghost. Buy hey, way to stay in the lines – sorta.

It’s amazing to me how may kids didn’t sign their letters, like how am I supposed to know who to bring the gifts to. Oh wait, I’m not really going to do that anyway.

There is something very sad about this drawing. I asked the girl if it was a picture of her (with a lot of asterisks! -ed) and she said "Yes, I’m on my own cloud floating among the stars." Then her eyes sorta glazed over.

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My last visit on Christmas Eve was about to be with a unpleasant, non-English speaking family that I wasn’t able to connect with and only wanted pictures before running off.

"Feliz Navidad."

"Si, si, Navidad."

I knew the end was coming and I hoped that wasn’t it.

I’d been in House One, the Kwanzaa Hut, as it’s affectionately known of since it’s where Special-Santa – read: Black-Santa – sat. It only had one entrance – accidental exposure extremely averted and was nearest to the Santa Air-Lock – the two door passage-way between backstage and Santaland; the only place on the floor exposure to more than one Santa could happen – so switching out Santa and Special-Santa can happen quickly and without incident.

When my troublesome tourists left, the Straw-Boss  pulled me out for a SS switch.

"No! They’re not going to put me back in and that is going to be my last freaking visit! The whole freaking experience is ruined. They ruined Christmas!" I thought to myself

"Wait in the air-lock, I’ll be right back to put you back in."

Thank God.

I waited a few minutes. Special-Santa was ushered thought the air-lock and, as promised, I was brought back out.

"Two to visit Santa." Figgy said. "A teenager and her grown-up."

As I was sitting with the girl I heard the grown-up say, "Just her in the picture, but I want to sit on his lap after she’s done."

"…don’t forget to leave some milk an cookies out tonight. Ho, Ho, Ho."

As the girl got up, the grown-up approached, shyly.

"Can I sit on Santa’s lap?"

"Of course, everyone’s welcome on the lap." Patting my thigh, I added, "Sit right here."

She sat, her dark hair in a pony-tail, a rough woman in a beat-up leather jacket and a little too much black eyeliner. She whispered in my ear, "I want you to answer my prayers."

"Well, maybe you should share those prayers with Santa right now? I’ll see what I can do."

With tears welling in her her eyes she said, "I want to change, I don’t like who I am anymore, I want to be a better person, a different person."

"Let’s say a prayer for that right now." I said.

I closed my eyes a prayed for this woman to have the strength to change her life; a woman I didn’t know, and a woman who knew I wasn’t really Santa Claus and couldn’t grant wishes.

"Amen." I said. I opened my eyes and noticed Pixie-Dust crying softly by the camera.

"Thank you, thank you very much." She said as she started to rise.

I grabbed her hand. "You know," I said, "just coming here and saying that out loud, proves it’s something you really want and that you’ve already changing. You are a good person. Stay strong, you can change anything if you really want to, and I can see you want really to."

As she left she quietly said, "Merry Christmas, I love you Santa."

Crying herself, Figgy handed me a tissue just before I broke down.

"Santa needs just a moment." I said through tears. "Just give me a minute." I was wiping my eyes when I saw the Straw-boss pop his head in.

"That’s it." He said. "You’re done, we need the house for the Special-Santa again."

And with that it’s over.

I’m ushered back though the air-lock and head to the dressing-room to de-Santa-fy.

I wash my  face, gather up my things, turn in my bells for the last time and leave.

It’s over.

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Christmas Eve, the last day of Macy’s Santaland.

One more day of slathering my face with the burning, stinging, foul smelling spirit gum.

One more day of wearing a 20 pound suit – my personal nine hour sauna.

One more day of being exposed to every cold and virus know to man.

One more day without my earring and go-tee.

One more day of not being able to see more than three feet in front of my face, working without my glasses was extremely challenging.

One more day and then I can let my face heal.

One more day of living on nothing but sugar cookies and Krispy Kremes.

Santa-Vinnie – AKA: Tiny-Tears-Santa, Naughty-Santa and Smart-Ass-Santa – is hanging up his beard, but God willing, will make another appearance at Macy’s next year.

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A friend sent this to me, I have no idea where it came from, but, most of it’s true.

1. Kids who refuse to believe that it’s fruitcake on your breath and not booze.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don’t understand that Santa’s been a little jittery since he got back from ‘Nam.
8. Lap rash.

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This woman walks into a house carrying a stuffed cow.

"Aren’t you excited to see Santa, Moo-Cow? Oh Santa, I think Moo-Cow is a little nervous. You’re not nervous are you Moo-Cow? I’ll be ok, it’s Santa."

She placed Moo-Cow on Santa’s lap and pictures were taken.

"Thank Santa for the puzzle, Moo-Cow. Say Merry Christmas."

Fifteen minutes later she was back for a re-shoot.

The cow wasn’t smiling.

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My posts have been very Santa heavy, I know. It’s not my fault, the words are begging to come out and well, who am I to stop them?

I came up with a title, Behind the Beard: The Santa Blogs.

I want to get as much of this experience down before too much time passes and my thousands of broken brain cells cause me to forget it all and make it gone forever.

I’ve finished up the HSBC window gig, it was the easiest $500.00 I’ve ever made – when the only complaint you have is, "My finger hurts from pressing the camera button." you know things are ok. But those cameras were heavy.

In one for the how Vinnie’s world collides file, during my last hours of paparazzi-ing, Campbell Scott – who was so cool to work with on Six Degree – walked by. Without even giving us a parting glance, I’d think he’d know his way through the photogs and thought nothing of it. Minutes later Roseanne pressed her ample bosom to the glass and surprised the shit outta me and herself because she’d forgotten what days I was there and wasn’t expecting it. Then a few moments later a Thursday night dodge-baller walked by, looked in, kept walking, stopped dead in his tracks, backed up, looked in and mouthed, "What the…?"

"I’m everywhere," I mouthed back, waving my arms. "Vinnie is everywhere."

We were professionally filmed from many different angles the entire 5 hours. I’m not sure what the footage is being used for, but I would love to see it when it’s edited.

Dodge ball is off  for the holidays; we start up again the first Wednesday of January.

I can’t believe that there are only three day until Christmas. I’ll be Santa-ing all three. Long shifts, busy days. But then it’s all over, after Christmas Eve there’s really no need – or call – for Santa.

Come Christmas Day, I’m underemployed again.

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For those of you who were unable to visit with Santa, I wanted to share what a standard visit is like. The whole thing takes roughly 35-45 seconds.

The Usher-Elf gets a family - they’re all families, not matter their genetic make-up – from the Gate-Keeper-Elf – who keeps a running count of all visitors to Santaland; this past Sunday we saw over 800 people an hour – brings them to Santa’s front door and announces the visitors.

Start your timers now.

"Six to see Santa."

or

"Little Matthew is here to see Santa."

or

"Four big kids (adults – ed) to see Santa. All the way from Wisconsin."

The Usher-Elf then passes and coats and bags collected – to expedite matters, and in a perfect scenario, the family is asked to disrobe – coats, gloves and hats – before getting into the house – to the Photo-Elf  who places all the belongs on the small wooden trunk painted – Trompe L’Oeil – to fool the eye – to resemble a Christmas present.

The Photo-Elf then arranges the visitors – or doesn’t, some are kinda useless and should never be put into a house – and takes the first picture for Macy’s. Usually there is then a rush to the center of the house and the paparazzi-like photo taking starts.

Then the second picture for Macy’s. "One for Mrs. Claus’ Scrapbook." Macy’s asked that we get two differnt posies, that way they’ll be able to sell both shots. I’ll simply change the lap position of a single child and if I have more then one, I’ll get the grown-up – don’t assume – in the second shot. If they refuse, Santa Says, "You don’t say no to Santa. Come. Sit, put your arm around Santa."

Then the visit.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The response to that question has been everything from Easy-Bake Ovens to Lego’s to dolls to bikes to scooters to kidneys to cheese, yes cheese – this one chubby girl apparently asked for it last year as well, Santa recommended a nice hearty Gouda.

"Well, those sound like fantastic things," he responds to every request. "That’ll surely bring you hours of fun. I can’t promise that you’ll get everything on your list but Santa will do his best to make sure that you have a wonderful and magical Christmas. Now stand up and look at Santa, he has something for you…" and he hands them the official Macy’s Santaland 2007 puzzle. Everyone who sits gets one, no matter how old.

The puzzles are handed to Santa by the Santa-Elf who then helps the visitors gather up their belongs and escorts them out through the back door.

Just before they leave I stop the youngest children and ask, "Can you do Santa a favor, remember to leave some milk and cookies out on Christmas Eve?" and if there’s an older non-believing child present, I say specifically to him/her, "And can Santa put you in charge of putting out some carrots for Rudolph and the other reindeer?" It usually garners, at the very least a smile.

or

"Santa knows you’ve been been very good this this year, can you promise him to twice as good next year?"

As they walk through the door a quick, "Santa loves you."

End timer.

Of course, there are variations, you never quite know what is going to happen in the house, it is a great exercise in improvisation.

Santa’s on his toes at all times.

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I refused a $100.00 tip.

It was so hard to do, I mean, come on, it’s a hundred freakin’ bucks – a Mr Benjamin Franklin, thank you very much. But Santa doesn’t accept tips.

A white-flower came into my house and in about 5 seconds shared this information, "There’s a woman here who wants to make sure her kids really believe in Santa Claus and she brought some presents in, they’re over there, the presents, not the kids, but there are no names on the gifts so I have no idea who gets what. You’ll figure it out when they get here, they’re in the maze right now, the kids, not the presents, and they probably won’t get here for another twenty minutes, half-hour, the Gatekeeper knows to send them to you. Oh, and here’s some Hanukkah Geld, she wants you to give it to them as well."

"Wh..what?"

"You’ll be fine."

I looked down into my gloved hand and saw five gold wrapped chocolate coins. In the blink of an eye, the white-flower disappeared; gone as quickly as he appeared.

"Pine Cone, what just happened here?"

I took a moment to process what I had to do, the house was reopened, and the next family was ushered in, then the next and the next and the next. After one uneventful visit, all three of my elves surrounded me – a human shield – and told me the family was here.

Figgy: "The big present goes to the kid in the orange, the small one goes to the smallest kid and the other one goes to the other kid. Here’s the candy."

Hazel: "Their names are Thomas, Henry and Jake."

Pine Cone: I’ll hand you the presents when it’s time. Ready?"

"No."

They peeled off and in the doorway were the three young boys and fifteen adults.

"Eighteen to see you Santa!" Figgy said, with just a touch of pity in her voice.

"Thomas! Henry! Jake! Santa was wondering when you’d get here? Santa knew you’d come. Come, sit on Santa’s lap."

Laps were sat, pictures were taken, wishes were revealed.

"Well, Mrs. Claus outfitted the small sleigh, Prancer and Vixen are on the roof right now, and she brought some of your gifts down with her because we’d knew you’d be coming today."

Their eyes lit up and with jaws agape they unwrapped their gifts – low and behold it was exactly what the adults had prompted them to say to Santa when asked what do you want for Christmas? A magic set, robot dinosaurs and a robot puppy.

Blah, Blah, Blah… milk and cookies. Blah, Blah, Blah… be good. Blah, Blah, Blah… Santa loves you.

As they filed out, the matriarch came up to Santa and pressed the offending bill into his hand.

"Santa can’t take this. It would make him very happy if you gave it to charity."

"You really are Santa, aren’t you?

"Everyone knows the real Santa comes to Macy’s, it was in that wonderful documentary, Miracle on 34th Street. You have a Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." She started to cry.

I didn’t, I wanted that fucking $100.00. I could’ve really used it.

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Just for the record, that’s an even dozen exclamation points.

It was just one more in a string of wonderful visits I’ve had with an added bonus; the opportunity to reconnect with old friends I don’t see often enough.

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The elves are dropping off like flies.

I heard that over 40 have quit so far.

I picture the green and red clad masses rising-up, their jingle-belled caps in their outstretched hands:

"We need more breaks!"

"More breaks!?! We need breaks, period."

"Santa sucks!"

Jingle Jingle… "Union! Union!" Jingle Jingle…

But in all seriousness, the elves, a mixed-bag of unemployed actors, second-jobbers and inspiring returnees doing it for the love are the folks that keep Santaland running.

The right group of elves can make the day go by incredibly fast but on the other hand, one bad elf can make a two hour sit feel like ten.

There are line elves and photo elves and Santa elves and exit elves and gatekeeper elves and window elves and conductor elves and ranger elves and register elves and maze elves and peek elves and usher elves; elves aplenty.

• Ba Rum Pa Pa Pum – This one has a Christmas-y name to begin with, so she picked something way out there – I call her Ba Rum Pa Pa Pum Pum Tiger the Jelicle cat, it’s hard to say, but it breaks up the day.
• Figgy Pudding – She’s eight months pregnant, and so much fun. Another elf asked who the baby-daddy is and she said, "Santa-Vinnie." She told me, he believed her and asked if we were married.
• Mistletoe, Campy, Perch, North, Dizzy, Yo-Yo, Vixen – The few hot male elves, alas all straight.
• Snow Cone, Snow Bunny, Snow Angel, Snow Ball – What no Snow Drift or Snow Board?
• Ginger Bread, Ginger Cookie, Ginger Tea – and none of them have read hair.
• Cup Cake, Sugar Plum, Candy Cane, Short Bread, Jelly Bean, Cookie – Now, I get all the food names, but Jelly Bean? That’s more of an Easter Bunny helper than a Santa helper.
• Sky-Blue, Winter-White, Cardinal – Just a few of the colors.
• Pine-Cone and Leaf – Santa’s nature girls. Two of the best – 4 out of 5 Santa agree – the fifth one is an idiot.
• Hazel, Giggles, Juggles, J.J., Pirouette, Twinkle-Toes – Ok… those are… great?
• Dancer, Prancer, Dancy, Prancy, Comet – Come on, is a little imagination to much to ask for?
• Ornament, Silver-Bells, Boy-Tinsel, Girl-Tinsel, Bundles, Garland – Everything you’d need for the tree.

There are probably five girl elves to every male, you’d think Santaland would be rife with hook-ups; a veritable dating service.

I do my best to treat the elves with respect, I’ve done their job, it’s not easy and a lot is asked of them. When 800 people pass through Santaland an hour, the job gets harder when the elves are un-happy, un-watered and un-fed.

Jingle Jingle… "Union! Union!" Jingle Jingle…

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