for your VINformation

Customer: “Do you sell stamps?”

Agent: “No, try the front desk.”

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Customer: “Can you get me tickets on the double decker bus tour?”

Agents: “No, try next door, under the sign that says ‘tours.’”

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Customer: “Double decaf skinny-mocha latte – wait, you’re not Starbucks…”

Agent: “No, no I’m not.”

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Customer: “Can you get me comedy club tickets?”

Agent: “Most comedy clubs offer free admission, they make their money on the two drink minimum – the concierge should have passes for you.”

Customer: “Where…”

Agent: “Other side of the escalator.”

Agent: “Merry Christmas, how can I help you.”

Customer: “I would like to see Jersey Boys tonight.”

Agent: “I’m sorry, there’s no performance of Jersey Boys tonight. The only shows performing today are; The Lion King, Mary Poppins, White Christmas, Ragtime and Hair at two and then The Radio City Christmas Spectacular at two and four thirty.”

Customer: ” No, I’m looking for Jersey Boys.”

Agent: “Jersey Boys does not have a show today.”

Customer: “I know you don’t want to tell me, but I get tickets from somewhere else, right?”

Agent: “There’s no show tonight.”

Customer: “If I go to the box office, do you think they’ll be cancelations?”

Agent: “Sir, there is no show tonight.”

Customer: “Someone must be able to get tickets for me.”

Agent: “Again, Sir, there is no show – no one will sell you tickets to a theatre that’s dark tonight – there is no show. It’s Christmas Eve – the producers have given the cast and crew the night off - there is no show tonight.

Customer: “Oh, how about Wicked…”

Agent: “I’m sorry, there’s no performance of Wicked tonight. The only shows performing today are; The Lion King, Mary Poppins, White Christmas, Ragtime and Hair at two and then The Radio City Christmas Spectacular at two and four thirty…”

Customer: “Well then, what’s playing tonight?”

Time: 8:02 AM

Agent: "Happy Holidays, how can I help you?"

Customer: "You can tone down the good cheer, I haven’t had my coffee yet!"

Agent: "Bah Humbug!"

Customer 1: “I’m have a debate with my friend here and I’m hoping you can settle a bet.  Mary Poppins is a revival, right?”

Agent: “No. It’s a new show, it opened a few years ago.”

Customer 2: (to #1) “You owe me ten dollars!”

Customer 1:  (to agent) “I don’t mean to tell you your job, but if it’s a new musical how did they make a movie of it fifty years ago?”

Agent: “The show is based on the movie, not the other way ’round…”

Customer 1: “OOOOOOOkay…whatever you say.” (to #2) “I’m not paying, we’ll look it up on Wikipedia…”

Customer: "If I wanted to buy someone a show for Christmas, could I?"

Agent: "Of course, I think that’s a wonderful gift."

Customer: "Would I be able to return them if they can’t go?"

Agent: "No, all sales are final. I would recommend getting a sold date before purchasing."

Customer: "That doesn’t leave much of a surprise…"

Agent: "Well, you could fib and tell them you need a date they’re available to say, go to a fancy dinner or tell the truth and just not tell them what show they’re going to see or you can simply get a gift certificate and let them pick their own show…there are really so many options…"

Customer: "You’re just full of Christmas spirit, aren’t you?"

Agent: "I’m full of something…"

Customer: "Have you seen Wicked?"

Agent: "Six times."

Customer: "You liked it?"

Agent: "…it was ok…"

Agent: “Happy Holidays! How can I help you?”

Customer With Foreign Accent: “I’d like two tickets to Wicked, please.”

Agent: “Sure, I can help you with that, for when?”

Customer With Foreign Accent: “Tonight.”

Agent: “Sure I can do that for you, two tickets for Wicked, Saturday night at eight PM…tenth row center…$259.00 per ticket.”

Customer With Foreign Accent: “Why so expensive?”

Agent: Well, it is a holiday weekend, the city is overflowing with tourists…”

Customer With Foreign Accent: “What holiday?”

Agent: “Thanksgiving.”

Customer With Foreign Accent: “That’s a made up holiday! We don’t have Thanksgiving in England.”

Agent: “No, I assume y’all wouldn’t celebrate that…”

Customer: "Where’s the nearest Dunkin Donuts?"

Agent: "I’m not sure, you should ask the concierge."

Customer: "You got something against Dunkin Donuts?"

Agent: "No…I just don’t know where one is around here…"

Customer: “Can you get me tickets to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?”

Agent: “Grandstand seats?”

Customer: “I’d like to get seats somewhere around 42nd Street…”

Agent: “Really? Am I being punk’d? Is Ashton Kucher here? Where are the cameras? It’s a parade.”

Customer: "I don’t want to buy anything from you, I just want your opinion on the shows I’m going to see."

Agent: "That’ll be $199.00…My opinions are strong and my time ain’t cheap…"

Customer: “What is the creepiest, spookiest, scariest show you’ve got to help us celebrate Halloween?”

Agent: “Mary Poppins…scary!”

Customer w/Small Child: “I’d like three tickets to Phantom of the Opera please.”

Agent: “No problem. May I ask how old your child is?”

Customer w/Small Child: “A very advanced four.”

Agent: “I’m sorry, Phantom doesn’t allow anyone under six.”

Customer w/Small Child: “Then he’s six.”

Agent: “Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier with one of the Disney shows? The Lion King or Mary Poppins?”

Customer w/Small Child: “Which part of ‘advanced’ didn’t you understand?”

Agent: “Three tickets to Phantom it is. I hope the little one doesn’t lose interest and fall asleep on you, it be a shame to spend this much money on nap-time…”

Setting:

The Marriott Marquis Ticket Desk

Cast:

Agent – Handsome, man in his mid-thirties – what? who do you think is writing this?

Customer 1 – Male 70’s

Customer 2 – Female 20’s

Scene 1 -

Agent: “Good Morning!”

Customer 2: “I’d like to see Phantom of the Opera tonight, please.”

Agent: “Not a problem, how many tickets?”

Customer 2: “Two.”

Agent: “Not a problem, I’ve got two great seats, dead center, orchestra and I can give you a great deal.”

Customer 2: “Ok, can you hold those for me for a few minutes? The boss is checking in right now and I need to run it all by him. I’ll be right back.”

Scene 2 – fifteen minutes later…

Customer 1: “My girl here wants to see Phantom, but I’d rather see something else, anything else, really. I saw Phantom in London.”

Customer 2: “You saw Phantom in London with your wife, I want you to see Phantom on Broadway with me. ”

Customer 1: “Two tickets to Phantom.”

Agent: “I’ve got two tickets, dead center orchestra. They’re yours if  you want them.”

Customer 1: “Are they good?”

Agent: “Dead center.”

Customer 1: “Because I only want the best…”

Agent: ” Sir, in my opinion, there is nothing better then dead center.”

Customer 1: “Ok, if you say so…”

Scene 3 – The Next Day

Customer 2: “I just wanted to stop buy and thank you. The seats, as promised were wonderful. We had a magical evening.”

Agent: “New memories of Phantom?”

Customer 2: “You bet.”

Time 1:54 PM

Customer: “I’d like three tickets to today’s matinee.”

Agent: “For…”

Customer: “Anything.”

Agent: “Well, sir, it’s 1:55, I’ll do my best…”

Customer: “Hurry it up. You’re wasting time!”

Agent: “I’m sorry. I just checked the MASTER BROADWAY TICKET BOARD*, the only thing available is South Pacific, it’ll take about fifteen, twenty minutes to get to the theatre, by taxi, should I go ahead and book them for you? You’ll only miss the first half hour…”

*There is no such thing as the “MASTER BROADWAY TICKET BOARD!” – Jerk!

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Addressing each other:

Customer 1: “Do you remember Christina Ricci? She used to be obese and now she’s super skinny?”

Customer 2: To Customer 1:  “Dude, she was never obese.”

Customer 1: “She was big as a house!”

Customer 2: To Agent: “Can we get tickets to Next To Normal from you?”

Customer 1:  To Anyone Who’ll listen: “A house!”

Agent: “Yes.”

Customer 1: “How can you say she was never obese?”

Customer 2: “Dude. Let it go.”

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